Dear Namibia

Perhaps only someone who lives here would find my letters to Namibia entertaining, but believe me, not one word is an exaggeration (I wish it was). I could think of 100 of these, there's so much that's so ridiculous here, I just have to laugh at it.

Dear Security Guard at Old Age Home,

Why is it when I need to find you to unlock the gate, you are nowhere to be found? What are you doing in the field at the back of the building? And why do you not urinate there, in private? Why do you instead choose to urinate facing the street, at the same time that I walk by?

Grossed out,
Ghada

Dear Carton of Milk,

Why are you labeled low fat milk? What percentage ARE you? Are you too shy to advertise it on the box? Skim, 1%, 2%? You taste good, so thank-you, but I am curious about your fat content. And how can the grocery store keep you outside the fridge? What kind of serious preservatives are in you, that I can keep you outside the fridge in 40C and you only taste better?

Curious,
Ghada

Dear Male Colleagues,

NO, I do not want to “negotiate” or have a “serious talk” about having sex with you. It is not a business transaction, and I do NOT want you to “propose me” in any way shape, or form. I realize I have an appealing “traditional African shape”, but it was not by choice, and you’ll just have to appreciate it from afar.

Stay away,
Ghada

Dear Police Officer/Judge/insert town official here,

Please stop asking me where I live, cause I won’t tell you even though you KNOW perfectly well where I live. Most of all, do NOT ask to visit me at home. You are supposed to HELP me by catching or punishing the men who want to stalk me. You are not supposed to be their ringleader. Please go take an ethics course or something. Don’t visit me at work, don’t call me, just pretend I don’t exist.

Creeped out,
Ghada

Dear Mosquito,

How do you manage to get inside the pesticide-soaked mosquito net? I enjoy the extra company in bed, but really your buzzing CAN be distracting. And why are you so much larger than what I am used to? WHAT are you eating to get that large? And why did you choose to bite me the day AFTER I had already used and thrown out my only malaria test kit? I am not sure why your bites should leave purple bruises on my skin, but I hope its not permanent. Please tell your family and friends, that although I am tasty, I do not want to be your midnight snack.

Red and swollen,
Ghada

Dear Milk Relish,

Why did it take so long for us to meet? How did I complete a meal without you before? Why are you and porridge so good together? You must be good friends indeed. I take my hat off to you!

Love,
Ghada

Dear Sarcasm,

I miss you. Why does no one understand me anymore when I use you? I am not as funny without you. I mourn your loss, but hope that you will return to me soon.

Hugs,
Ghada

Dear Spider,

How do you get into my flat? And what makes you so huge? Are you poisonous? Are your cousins, the smaller spiders, poisonous? Why does the bug spray make you run FASTER towards me? Why do I have to use all my strength and hit you 5 times to get you to die? So many questions. Alas, I pray you never get to live long enough to tell me the answers.

Ghada

Dear 12 year-old boy,

I am flattered that you are hitting on me. I do not remember the last time I shagged a small child, but I hope that it is never. We have nothing in common. I am not interested in long walks in the bush, running through town or candy. Wait a minute, maybe we have more in common than I thought, those all sound good. Regardless, hit puberty first, then look for someone your own age.

Exasperated,
Ghada